What happened to many orphans in Romania who were not cherished but only functionally cared for? They withered and in some cases died. What happens to many men in middle and later years who are unmarried or without a partner, they get ill and then die much more often that their unmarried friends. Want to be ill a lot - have few friends. What, other than execution, is the worst punishment we can hand out to another human - solitary confinement.
We are primates and for primates, relationships are not important - they are vital to a good life. But we have told ourselves that our organizations are all about transactions. Most business or government leaders pay very little attention to the climate inside. There is of course one major exception to this - in the military, that do real things that are obviously dangerous, morale, and hence the relational climate is always considered as critical. War in the end is won or lost in the mind and the emotions.
Well so are all things that demand more than one person.
But we have been captured by a Newtonian idea of the machine where people are merely inputs. This worked to a certain extent so long as the world was in some kind of stable mode. It still works if what you do is simple and merely needs to be replicated. But now we are in one of the great Phase Transitions of all time when the fundamental belief about what is reality or not is being transformed.
Success will come to those that get it. Those that don't will fail badly.
So what are the underlying new beliefs that "Getting to Maybe" has to offer us as we all struggle to shift to the new?
Relationships did not lead to quality of life, they were the quality of life .... "They results of their research demonstrated that the safety of people with a disability was not dependent upon the number of social workers, law enforcement officers, by laws, or any other method of enforcement ...Rather their safety was dependent upon the number of relationships the person had. The more the relationships, the greater their safety. The fewer, the greater their vulnerability.
Here comes the kicker though that again belies the culture of the institutions of our time -
The necessary relationship was not a professional one. It had to be like the relationship between a parent and a child or between friends: a loving relationship, a relationship of encounter and attention, a relationship integrated into the full life of each person and built upon mutual giving and mutual being.
It had to be located in a trusted space and it looks like the idea of "mates" that I discussed with Chris Corrigan and Toke Mueller
Only an open heart can empower another to open and hence to change. This is why I glibly wrote off the traditional consulting firms in my first post on this topic of real change. Not very empathic of me - but then I am the most institutionalized person you could ever meet and I struggle all the time with this.
Speaking of empathy, next - how the advocate has to develop empathy for his enemies - How the inevitable confrontation has to be transformed into collaboration - Meeting the Powerful Strangers
Let me take you through my first impression of what this map means. You are the individual at the bottom - you are alone.
A "Group" is a collection of people thrown together by circumstance. Your workmates, your classmates, your neighbors and even most of your family. At work you can be called a Team but that is a lie. If you are simply collected - you are in a "Group". As a member of a Group, by definition, you have a very limited knowledge of who your other members are and they have an equally obscure view of who you are. Many people can work with others for decades and only know the "official" work other person. In a group you are still really on your own. Maybe that is why I needed money and things so much?
Because you participate in a Group while wearing a Mask, Groups are very political. All is artifice. Think of high school or of office politics. The lower the stakes the worse the politics - think university. Groups are based on appointed position and not on skill or even on results. Think Bureaucracies or some families. They are bounded by external rules. Following the rules is the prime objective that trumps even results. Groups do not want innovation they want and demand obedience.
Groups are easy to join and easy to leave. Money is often the only bond. Groups tend to be geographically based and so fall apart when geography and time get in the way. This is why "Face time" is so important at work. Think of how few of your old school chums are still close after 40 years. Think of how you don't miss most of the people you once worked with. Think of how many of your cousins and even siblings you are glad not to see much anymore. I suspect that many marriages and families are really Groups and are accidents of geography, of conception or of finances.
Teams are quite different. They are competency-based and have objectives. Here relationships are more vibrant. To join a team you have to be selected! You may have been treated badly or hazed for a while as part of the initiation. The higher the hurdle, the more the satisfaction of membership. Think Marine Corps versus the Army. Respect in real teams is granted to those that win it and hence is real. It is the same with Trust. Trust is also earned in a Team. I become angry when I see the naivety of people who think that respect and trust are givens and who fail to see that they are the underpinnings of what all real teams need to know about you - that you can be relied on.
Teams are bounded by fields of endeavor. Think of a Game, of Music or even of Raising Kids. Inside the field, the higher the skill you have the greater the freedom you have to interpret your skill into action. Teams - all societies have hierarchies. In Teams the hierarchies are based on levels of skill. Think Guilds. Most Teams are goal orientated. Win the series. Make more money. Raise the kids well.
Teams are so much better than groups in providing belonging and
meaning. Many good marriages I think reach this level and are founded
on a great contract of complimentary skills. A major risk I think for
Teams is that once the goal has been won or lost, the energy for the
Team dissipates. Think of how many good marriages falter once the kids
are adults. Teams still don't ask for the 'Full You". Much of you is
still on the outside and is not connected in a Team.
You will see a line above Team that separates what I now see as the best of the machine world from the first step of the Natural World - or Trusted Space - where humans really become alive.
The term that Tim, Toke and Chris were using here is "Mates".
What did we mean by the term "Mate"? Diana and I are "Mates" not just siblings. She knows all my failings and still loves me. She loves me because of some of my failings. So I am completely myself when I am with her. We do not have a goal or a plan. Our final knowledge is that one day one of us will be alone again but we will have still the other within us. This is the reason why living with dogs can teach us so much about being Mates. Their inevitable loss prepares us to lose all and everyone else who is close and to help us know that in our hearts we are still together.
The gaol of Mates is Mateship! The result of Mateship is connection with another and to yourself.
How does Mateship happen? In the recent past, Mateship was I think a product of a crucible. War is such a crucible. In war, men are often put into situations where they willingly would die for another. Many veterans never wish for another war but their eyes glisten as they recall how it felt to be so connected with their mates. Before modern medicine every mother offered her life in exchange for the new life. In this context, every mother could look another mother in the eye and share a moment of common accomplishment and of destiny.
Is war, or sharing the risk of death, the key for Mateship? Yes I think that it is but also I think that it is not essential. I suspect that it is also the product of a Trusted Space.
A Trusted Space is a "Place" where it is safe for people to take off their masks and so show their full selves. When we sat every evening for hundreds of thousands of years in a circle around the fire and told our stories - we were in a trusted space. When we lived our lives in public, there could be no masks. In a world that was based on reputation, your name was your most important asset. We showed our full selves to another and we were accepted for being whom we were.
Do we have to return to tribal life to find mateship? No more than the people of the Renaissance had to put on togas. We only have to understand the circumstances of the camp fire and of tribal life and find modern equivalents.
Am I dreaming? No I know that I am awake. My experience is that it is happening right now.
The most important thing that has happened to me in the last 4 years is how blogging has introduced me to "Mates".
I am still amazed that I can know someone I have never met so well. I am not alone in going to work, as I did with Johnnie Moore,
on a very dangerous piece of work with a person that I had never met
before. There is some weird property of the web that enables Mates to
notice the connection. Cyn
has helped me overcome my fear of using my body and has put me on a
path to keep healthy and fit. She lived only a mile away but we met for
years online. Chris arrived at the Shire never having met Tim before. I came to the Shire because of Chris' request
knowing that it would be great. I have only met Chris once before. Many
of you have similar stories about finding 'Mates" in the 'sphere. I
find no separation in these relationships. Reputation is critical in
this world.
OK then you may be feeling - this is all well and good for a few bloggers but what about work and making the money that we all need?
More and more people are coming together in "Mateship" to provide the means and the society that they need to pay their bills and to make a difference in their lives.
