We all have our real Dads and then if we are lucky we have others as well. These "other dads" fill the gaps that our real Dads leave. In my own case Jim, my real dad, was emotionally very distant and he died very young. But this gap in my heart and this need to be mentored as a man were filled by two wonderful "other Dads"
This Father's day - I would like to thank them
Sidney Patterson was my house master at the Grove at Harrow. Having no sons of his own, he retired from Harrow with hundreds. No one I have met, understood boys as Sidney. He would offer what what needed. For me it was warmth - someone I could go to when I needed a man to hear out my concerns - a role he played long after we had both left Harrow. I know for others, it was that he pushed them when no one else would - tough love. He could find the secret in any boy's spirit that might unlock his potential.
Sidney was having lunch with us one day and met my brother in law Bill who was then a struggling young actor. As Sidney was leaving, he asked Bill to call him sometime. Bill said that he was terribly busy - Sidney put his arm on Bill's shoulder and said - "Bill try not to be too important!" He just nailed it.
In later life, he became a surrogate father in law to my wife Robin and a grandfather to my children. He made it clear to Robin that she was very special and that I could not have married a better person. He was tender and fun with the children who loved spending time with him. Some of the best times I have ever had were at Sidney's with Robin as we would polish off at least a bottle of sherry and talk about life.
Sidney was that special father that few of us ever have in life - an older man who made himself fully available to his boys. He set an example of manhood for me of how to be gentle and tough minded - of how to find your open heart. Sidney of course was Irish and his heart was there for all to see.
It was an act of destiny that I and the family were having tea with him at Christmas - the children were maybe 5 an 3 - when he had a heart attack. He died in my arms. It was perfect.
If Sidney was the loving warm father that I needed, Fraser was the Knightly father who expected much of me - who helped me understand that I could do so much more with my life that be a banker - that I could live my own life and make a difference in the world. He did this by his own example - he could have made more money - he could have had a power role. But he chose to use his powerful mind and energy to build people and organizations up so that they could make a better world.
There was and is nothing sift and fuzzy about how Fraser does this. His love for his "Boys" is that of a DI at Parris Island. He pushes you to go deeper in your self. Like the best DI - his motives are about your development to become your best - so this takes the edge off as he challenges you.
He set the bar very high - very very high and was unrelenting in insisting that you go there. He would only offer his recognition if you did. It was a crucible. So of course when it came - you knew that you had indeed passed a mythic test. You had joined that elite band - the FOF's.
His greatest gift though to me was to end my search for surrogate fathers. I had been working for him for nearly two years having left CIBC. I was starting to get comfy with him. We were on the train to Queens University and I hinted that I would like to continue working for him.
I was 45. He was blunt. "You are a grown up now Rob - get out and do it for yourself!"
I think I finally left home that moment and became a true adult.
So on this father's day, Hi Dad, I would like to add my thanks to my two other Dads - Sidney and Fraser - thank you. From Sidney, I had a heart and from Fraser - a backbone.
