Our house guest for the last 5 years - said good bye yesterday and went about his business. He will be back - probably when we least expect him - but it's nice to have him out of the house for a while.
Of course, we all know that we are going to die - but most of the time - we tell ourselves that it will be later when we are very old - or it will be an accident.
Living with cancer is a bit like being on death row. The gallows are just down the hall. So every bump, new ache, feeling of fatigue is noticed. In the middle of the night, you lie awake and wonder - is it back? Then can I go through the treatment all over again - will I see a grandchild?
As a partner, I wonder how many more times will I kiss her good night. How many more coffees will I make at dawn? How many more times will she tell me how to drive? Every little shared part of life, is finite.
There are some good things about all of this - he is not all bad. When every day is numbered, they have a luster. Even winter has its magic - for what if this one was our last? Even our disagreements! The mundane chores like washing up and cooking meals become gifts of grace.
I wonder - is one of the reason so many of us are unhappy, that we forget how precious life really is. Years ago a friend who was dying of cancer was visiting a girlfriend. Her friend had a two year old and was gagging as she changed his diaper - a diaper that only a two year old can produce. She said "I would give anything not to have to do this!" My friend replied that she would give anything to be given the life to do it.
So at this time of Halloween - there is another side to the Grim Reaper - he is the harbinger of our death - but if you let him - he brings the spice of life as well.
But it's good to have him gone for a while. We can coast like most people do for a while and forget that he has an appointment with us that cannot be broken.
