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Much of America seems locked in a polarized anger. Defense, Immigration, Energy, Unemployment - pick any topic and we are gridlocked. While we fight the other side, the nation is ignored in the noise of the conflict.
The media are not helping either. The polarized groups have their own tribal media megaphones such as Fox or MSNBC. And those that claim to be reasonable and fact based, such as NPR or PBS, are locked into the Voice from Nowhere that has no chance of showing a way to a solution.
So are we stuck or is there a way forward? Is there a way of asking better questions maybe that may enable progress?
Can we help media that is not entrenched in the polarization to help the nation? Can we help each other live better by going Deeper?
I called on my old pal Johnnie Moore, who is one of the world's best Open Space facilitators, to talk this problem through.
We began with no idea of the "answer" but as we talked more, we began to see some hopeful ideas.
This then is the first of 4 posts that will describe, as best as I can, some conclusions that we came to.
Part 1 - In this post we will talk mainly about "Breaking the Logjam" - finding a way though the polarization in public life. We will look not at compromise - that suggests each side give up something important but how by going deeper we may find something in common. A very different experience. By the way, the Logjam also exists in many families too. How often do we end up hating our spouse or sister and find in them the focus of our problem? Our hate for another person close to us gets us as stuck as politics has America stuck. Johnnie will explore how we can find the deeper common ground that can exist way down beneath the surface.
Part 2 - In the next post we will explore "The Unspoken" - You boss is driving you crazy with his demands and insensitivity - Your husband is still a boy - Your 30 year old daughter can't get her life together and so on - we all know these set ups. But we don't confront them. We are too polite. We use manipulation. We are too scared to point out the "Elephant" that we can all see but dare not discuss. The great barrier here is fear - If I confront the Unspoken Secret - Will I get punished? So most of the time we don't confront the Unspoken Secret. Instead we ignore it, manipulate around it or complain with others in a futile conspiracy that usually leads to further frustration and angst. Johnnie will explore how we can use Confrontation in a healthy way to open up the infectious boil that is the Unspoken Secret and let the poison out.
Part 3 - In the third post we will look at the "Energetic Field" or maybe the "Pond" For no answer is available on the surface. No answer is to be found in the words. No answer is to be found in the literal. For we don't listen in a full enough way to what people really mean. We forget that we live in a social field and are connected in many ways that we normally don't "see". Body language, smell, the pupils of our eyes and energy itself - we feel emotions like a cell phone picks up signals. Going deeper demands that we tune into this other array of connections. Not just listen to others but more importantly to listen to ourselves! Here Johnnie will offer some help on practical does and don'ts. Not the Top 5 Best Ways etc but some practices that he has found that have helped him be more "Tuned In" to himself and then to others.
Part 4 - In this last post we will look at "Lessons" - What can those of us in media, business, government and well just "us" take from this? How can we listen better? Notice more? Ask the kind of questions that open people's hearts?
So let's begin. I offer up not the transcript of our conversation but a synthesis of what we discovered together and what has come to me later after a few sleeps.
Breaking the Logjam - Two angry camps throw insult and blame at each other in America. By now the two sides have become entrenched in their anger. Their anger has become morally based as well. "Gott Mitt Uns" I am right - you are wrong. I am good - you are bad. God is on my side - You are Godforsaken.
If we stay here nothing can be resolved.
Lincoln in the middle of a civil war could see that there must be a something deeper - that God could not be on both sides or maybe even on either side:
"Both read the same Bible and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God's assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men's faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered. That of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes."
You cannot seek a compromise in such a conflict. The choice is either Armageddon, 600,000 dead and the South destroyed or to seek to find out what is so important below the surface and expose that in the hope that some compassion may arise, as it did in the heart of Lincoln.
Johnnie key insight is that "Anger means that something important is at stake." But it's source is not to be found on the surface.
Let's explore Johnnie's thinking by looking at our own personal lives as a test.
The angry couple enter therapy spitting and hissing at each other. Both blame the other. The kids are used as weapons and as pawns in the fight. Blame is central. It's all about the current and so surface hurt. But the good therapist knows a few things that the couple have forgotten. That the roots of this conflict often lie deeper than the surface of "He betrayed me with my best friend" or "She never appreciates what I do for her". As serious as these surface issues are, they tend to be symptoms of deeper hurts. This is why it is so hard to help couples if the therapist stays on the surface and tries a surface compromise or peace treaty.
In this context, a promise to never be unfaithful again is a band aid. So is a promise to be nice to my husband. For the wound that causes this behaviour is still infected with an older deeper fear. A deeper fear that is usually part of a pattern of hurt that began many years before the couple ever met. Unless this fear is surfaced by persistent questioning aimed at exposing this deeper infection, then the promises or the peace treaty will fail. Each time, the promise is broken or the treaty fails, the trust is eroded further and the chance of a reconciliation dissipates.
"Anger means that something important is at stake." The good therapist works to expose what this is. If the therapist pushes hard enough below the surface, a context for the surface behaviour can emerge.
Now the husband's infidelity can be understood not solely as an act of betrayal but as the action of a man who never felt loved as a child. His work now becomes to understand this and see his actions in this deeper context. His deep need is for love. A love that he did not have when he should have had it. Not being clear on this, he may have confused this hunger for sex. His wife's deep need is for an intimacy that cannot be shared. Her need is also for love. In this deeper context, she might be able to see that his betrayal of her was driven by a powerful need that had little to do with her. So the hurt remains but her ability to understand makes the wound more bearable.
Both of them need love. The deep need is that. A good therapist can help them find this.
Such a course is not a guarantee of a return to happiness. But it has a chance. And it has a chance of reducing the anger and the walls. It gives each party a chance to work on their part. Can he resolve his barren childhood is a less destructive way. Can she judge him less. Can both make the marriage and their kids the goal?
Johnnie's point is that there is a vulnerability that is waiting to be recognized. Once each of us in a partnership can see the wound in ourselves, then we can have compassion for the wound in the other.
So what is the "Something that is at Stake" in America today that motivates this great anger that divides and paralyses the nation? What is the underlying vulnerability?
Quite frankly I don't know the specifics of the question. Nor does Johnnie. But know this, that there is a deeper cause that can be found and there is is a style for asking the question that we know.
The style must seek to break through the surface.
I chose the picture of Johnnie with great care. He is hosting a meeting of 300 pub radio folks in DC back in 2006. A very senior person has made an angry claim and Johnnie is grappling directly with him and is asking him what he really means. Johnnie is is not accepting the statement at face value and is asking the person to explain what he really means.
He is confronting the other person. "For the only way past the block is through it."
Lincoln confronted America in the second inaugural address. He is clear - that a terrible sin has been committed by all Americans
He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came... From now on the civil war would have to end in some redemptive way. For if it did not it would never end.
Anger is the sign and the doorway to what is below.
So who is angry now? What is the anger that is energizing American Politics? Is it not embodied in the Tea Party? Who does this group represent? What has happened to them as a group?
What is on the surface of their anger? Ask yourself what may be beneath this surface? What is the deep hurt that motivates them? Motivates you?
Ask yourself also how this energy affects the mainstream parties?
Deep down is their part in all of this too. Their anger also has deep roots. What might they be? Might they be related to what ails the people who make up the Tea Party?
So the big question might be "What ails America?" Not who hurt us? Not what happened? This question is at the heart of the Grail Legend helps us get away from fault or blame.
Time for us to go deeper. Next Post here.
