No not about the Mayan prophecy - though 2012 promises to be messy in the world context.
No I am scared because I feel as I did back in 1962 when I was 12 and knew that my life as a child was over. The future was unkowable.
What would it be like to pull away from my family? What will it be like to become an adult? What was it going to be like to become a sexual being? Who were these strange beings called girls?
This phase would all be about becoming an adult. How could I know what that would be like aged 12?
It was going to Harrow that helped me grow up and become a man. The girl bit came later!
Then in 1972, I went though the same process again. I then knew the answers to my questions in 1962 but now had new ones that I could not answer.
What will it be like for me to build an independent life of my own? What will work be like? Will I have a wife and a family? What will it be like to leave my own family for good?
This phase was all going to be about becoming a citizen. Building a family and a work persona. Being my own resource.
My leaving England and all my friends and immediate family and going to Canada provided me with a context changing spur to find these answers on my own.
Then in 1992, I went through this all over again.
I knew I could not stay in my job. I was not even sure that I could stay married. I knew I no longer wanted to be in a big city. I had lost who Rob was in my roles. All I knew then was Rob the husband and father and Rob the SVP. How could I find him again? What would it mean if I did?
It was going to PEI that helped me sort all of this out. I don't think I could have done this work as well had I stayed in Toronto. I found him! As did others including Robin and my children.
Well here I am in 2012. I have found all the answers to my 1992 questions but of course now I have new ones again.
I have 15 to 25 years ahead of me. This next period will have a hard ending. Along the way I will lose everything and everyone and in the end even myself. What will this be like? Who is the person that I will now become that can cope with this future?
What is it like to become an elder? To give up on my sexuality? How will I look after myself financially? What role will I play in my family? Who is my family? Is it just my blood?
I do know this though. A move will help. But a move to where and for what reason?
And here maybe the Mayan issue resurfaces.
I don't know when our "normal world" will end. But it will end in this part of my life. It could be next week or in 10 years. But just as Rome ended, so our world will end.
So conventional preparation for old age will not be good enough. I know I cannot rely on any pension, my savings, the health care system, the government. I know that I cannot sit back and assume that my family and those I love will be OK. I know that golf and cruises are not going to cut it.
So if in 1962, becoming an adult meant going to an organization that was designed to help me do this. 1972, becoming a citizen meant getting a job. Again there was an organization involved. Finding myself in 1992 meant leaving organizations. So what now? What organizational path?
I think I know the answer to that. Is not the best way of coping with social upheaval the Tribe. So then what Tribe? And what would be the most valuable role that I could play? For there are no free rides in a tribe.
See why I am so scared and lost?
